I am not this person that you all make me out to be. You put me on a pedestal and yet I don’t deserve to be there; not even close. All you see is what I let you see, but underneath the surface I am black-hearted and cruel. I figure it is only a matter of time before it begins to show. And then I will have so very far to fall.
I have learnt to look forward no matter what. That the past holds nothing for me and the present is merely here for now. Because otherwise I don’t live, I can’t love and I don’t learn.
Your efforts are laughable.Pathetic. Wasted. You have a long way to go before I will even consider considering you. Yeah… good luck with that.
It took talking to you to realise just how much I have changed. To see just how far I have come over the last six months or so. I’m more outspoken, self assured and a little too cocky. I stand for what is right and I don’t back down. I believe in myself and I ask questions. I challenge. I push boundaries.
Yes I’ve changed, thank you for noticing.
You give up on those who don’t put you first. Who are selfish, self-centered jerks. You learn to respect yourself enough to know that they don’t respect you. You yearn for something more. You start to look for the little things. The kindness in their tone, their speech seasoned with grace, their respect for friends and family. You learn what is needed and to hell with all the rest. You now know what will make you happy.
I thought I knew what it was I wanted. I was so sure. So damn sure. Turns out I know nothing about my own feelings or wants or needs. Because when push came to shove and I was placed in an inescapable situation I felt nothing. And I thought I would. But I didn’t. And I was left so confused and lost. And now I have no idea what I want.
I feel nothing when I look at you. I’m void of all emotions. You’re just someone that has to be in my life. One more person I have no choice but to put up with. I live for the day you’ll be gone. When I can clear away the useless clutter in order to make room for the more important things.
I’m feeling it again. The heavy weight on my shoulders. The need to have someone, anyone who will love me and be by my side. It’s unsettled me. And I don’t like it.
come back, be here
I feel it is time to get real with myself. To start ciphering through all the crap and discover what is going on in this muddled head of mine. Confusion can’t be an excuse any more. Nor can I depend on time to change things. I need to lay it all out on the table and face all that I have done.
You know if they say it enough, I must just start to believe it. Undeserving. Incompatible. Not good enough. They say. They say. They say.
Their words stick. And I can’t shake them off.
I’m caught in between a rock and a hard place. Every decision I make from here on out will be treacherous. I don’t want to hurt you. And yet I want to be happy. And it seems like, right now at least, I can’t possibly do and be both.